Comic Monologue: BREASTS

I was reading the news the other day, and I read where an underwire bra actually saved a woman's life. A bullet hit the wire and bounced off. No getting around it, having breasts saved her life. But I'll bet her tit was sore later on that night.

Anyway, it got me to thinking. Are there other advantages to having breasts? Because frankly I can think of lots of disadvantages to having breasts.

Like being sick and tired of strapping myself into a bra every morning. The damn thing is always too tight. And breasts are definitely in the way when you lay on your stomach. And you have to check them constantly for lumps. Not to mention the annual mammogram, which is just plain nasty.

They have you lay your breast on a plank, and then they stretch it out until it’s as flat as they can get it, and then they lay another plank over the top, and then they squeeze the whole thing with a vise, until they get it down to the thickness of a pancake.

And no matter how diligent you may be about checking, breast cancer is an ever-present threat, which incidentally gets worse with age. The entire reproductive system is this way. When you stop using it to make babies, it turns against you.

And after all, what are they? They are mammary glands. Considering you have to put up with them for your entire adult life, their functionality is really quite limited.

I remember being a young mother with a baby at my breast. Frankly, it was painful. When the baby was suckling it burned like fire, and the rest of the time I was engorged. Being engorged was not fun. You have to be careful not to touch them. I mean if you so much as brushed against one of them, it would start leaking. Talk about a milk-bath!

Mammary glands. Other than that, they're pretty much useless, bulky and they consist almost entirely of body fat.

Guys, of course, love them.

I remember being a skinny 16 year old in a t-shirt. I wanted to get a training bra, but I had nowhere to put it. I felt inadequate, unattractive and deficient because I didn't yet have breasts. I looked like a boy, without the muscles. I felt cursed, left out, deprived. And you can bet the boys wanted nothing to do with me.

When I finally did get breasts, the guys noticed immediately. Sometimes, it seemed like they were so busy noticing my breasts, they didn't have time to notice the rest of me. Even when I was talking to them. Or when they were talking to me.

During the sixties, when I was in my twenties, I had perky little breasts. They were perfect 32 B's. In the spirit of the times, I threw away my bras. I wore peasant blouses and pocket t-shirts, and tried to ignore that the men were mesmerized.

But being liberated wasn't all it was cracked up to be. I couldn't help but wonder if all those breast-fixated guys respected me as a person. If I could get them to look me in the eyes, maybe I could ask them. But even in the bedroom, there wasn't a lot of eye contact. I mean, one day I realized I was making love to the tops of their heads. What the hell were they doing down there, anyway?

But the years passed and eventually, I started wearing bras again. Like magic, men everywhere began to hear what I was saying. I could tell because they were answering me again. Just like in the old days when I was flat chested. Well, almost. Unless it was cold out, in which case my nipples would get hard and then all bets were off.

But the world has a way of evening things out. After all, men do have breasts. They are called "pecks." And yes, they do sag.

And speaking of men…did you ever wonder why so many women are willing to increase their cancer risk by taking hormones? It's not because they just can't handle the hot flashes, though that's what everybody talks about. Oh the horrors of night sweats! As irritating as that may be, that’s not it. The reason women take hormones is that we miss having a libido. They say you don't miss you water 'til your well runs dry. Well you don't miss your hormones 'til your ovaries shut down.

We take libido for granted. We've been horny so long we can't imagine life without a little lust in it. Men on the other hand, still have a healthy level of testosterone dripping into their veins long after women have become hormone-free zones.

Oh yeah, he still wants sex.

He wants to touch and snuggle. She wants to be left alone to deal with her hot flashes in peace. He wants to kiss and say "I love you." She’d be satisfied with a pat on the shoulder and "Hey, see you tomorrow." He wants to watch her tits giggle when she dries her hair after a shower. She wants him to close the door and quit letting cold air into the bathroom. He wants to play footsie in bed. She wants him to stay on his own side and stop bugging her. He wants to hold hands. The list goes on.

Romance just isn't as interesting without the chemicals.

But is it fair to expect a guy to just give it up? Like that’s gonna happen. So now we know why men leave their post-menopausal wives for younger women. It’s not because younger women are thinner than you, or cuter than you. Turns out it’s much simpler than that. Those younger women are hormonal, and unlike you they still want to have sex.